“rogue” states

Saturday, November 4, 2000
@ home        2021 hrs

“I believe in the refusal to take part.
I believe in the ruined career.
I believe in the wasted years of work.
I believe in the secret taken to the grave.”

–Wistawa Szymborska, “Discover”

   Okay, so the best way I know to do some writing when it hasn’t been working for you is to get a little drunk first and then give it a try.  That’s what I’m going to do.  Yep.  Got my trusty Tequiza on the desk in front of me and that’s all it should take to get me where I’m going after a month plus of not a drop.
It was hard deciding to drink tonight, actually, after so long “on the wagon.”  After weeks and days and nights spent in the bottle I finally tired of it all (and more than once wondered, at the height of the shitty feeling portion toward the latter half of drunk, why I was doing that to myself) and just gave it up.  Made excuses when with friends.  Same with other drugs.
Kind of the same way I gave up going to Ruta Maya and thinking about Wendi.  I haven’t see her in weeks and haven’t been to Ruta Maya in quite a while either.  Kind of funny the way we can go places, do things, think of people obsessively for months at a time and then suddenly have their importance to our lives disappear.  Poof.  Just like that we no longer need them, no longer want them, no longer subject ourselves to their torture.  In a moment, while we’re sleeping, we change and our minds find something else to become occupied with.

   For the past two weeks plus I’ve been working a temp. position with Verizon Wireless doing data entry and other assorted odd jobs.  I can handle the data entry easily.  They love me for my typing speed.  At least Marketing does.  Human Resources and I don’t get along.   They had me packing peoples’ offices the week before last so they could all move upstairs.  I made it known, quietly, that I wasn’t too happy with that idea.  I’d signed on for data entry, not box boy.  Anyway, I’m back down in Marketing now and it’s nice.  I can deal with the monotony of data entry (which really doesn’t bother me all that much–I can listen to headphones and all that and take breaks whenever I want to stand on the balcony and smoke a cigarette, etc) for the $11 an hour they’re paying me.  I just wish the corporate office I’m working at weren’t in South Austin.  I have to leave the house at six o’clock every morning to get in on time.  Actually, I have quite a bit of time once I get there that I spend sitting in the parking lot listening to the radio and relaxing after fighting traffic before starting my workday.  It’s not bad.

   I interviewed with the American Cancer Society yesterday, but I don’t think they’re going to be able to meet my school and therapy schedule.  I don’t know.  We’ll see what they offer.

   The rumor that I voted (early-voting) for Ralph Nader is absolutely true.  Months ago, before the election season really kicked off, I decided that anyone still voting inside the two-party system is part of the problem, and began looking for a new, viable third party.  Well, I found it.  I won’t go into his politics here, but lets just say that after going to his rally here in Austin a few weeks ago (5,000 people turned out in support), I’ve been completely won over.  He gave an inspiring speech of which the only downside was that it’s very unlikely we’ll see him in office this time next year.  [You can read a little political conversation I had at the voteexchange.com boards here.  Sorry if it’s a bitch to read.]

   So, yeah, I was going to add in a little diatribe about not seeing myself doing 9-to-5 work for the rest of my life, but I think Steph has that one covered.  Go read her, if you don’t already.

   Finally, to bring you completely up-to-date, my parents have finally lured me into going to church regularly with them.  I’ve met some decent people there my age.  New, nearby (they all live within minutes of my house) friends to hang out with.  Only problem is that they don’t get out much, they talk about Austin-proper as if it were South Central mixed with North Hollywood, and they watch a bit too much TV for me.  Oh well.  I can’t exactly be a chooser at this point.

“Both fickle standards
and the impermanence of artworks
kept us wary of the Muses’ service.”

–Wistawa Szymborska, “One Version of Events”


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