Thursday, July 13, 2000
@ home        2129 hrs

        From “The Road to Ginger Riley’s” by Paul Toohey in this season’s Granta:

    Fordham goes on:  ‘I really wanted to run away from this country, Ginger.  I felt the lack of soul in Australia to be dispiriting– I felt that I was going through a whole state of unnecessary depression that had nothing to do with this disease I’ve got.  I thought, “What is it that’s lacking in this place?  What makes people’s lives so dependent on frivolous amusement?  Why is there a middle-class paralysis where people need to be entertained and at the same time learn nothing?”‘


   Buddhist philosophy says there is no concrete, permanent self– that all is changing within us and out.  The cure to my diagnosed depression, according to various friends, is finding “myself.”  When I pointed out this Buddhist teaching to Wendi, one of those friends, she responded that one still needs to find their center and be able to float around in that ever-changing self, to just Be. 

   Dr. Chuck prescribes smoking more weed, but I don’t know if that’s best all the time.  Seeing as how it is a mood-enhancer.  If my mood is bad… well, welcome to Hell. 

   I’ve been doing Celexa (anti-depressants) for three weeks now, running a mile and a half for the last week and doing a bit of yoga on the side.  Maybe it’ll all add up to me feeling better, but I doubt it. 

   I’m looking for something real, concrete, unchanging to hold on to.  Any suggestions?

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