What scares you?

“Loneliness! What do you know of it? Only the loneliness of poets and weaklings. You prate of loneliness, but you don’t realize that one is neveralone. Always we are attended by the same load of the future and the past. Those we have killed are always with us. But they are no great trouble. It’s those we have loved, those who loved us and we did not love; regrets, desires, bitterness and sweetness, whores and gods, the celestial gang!”–Caligula, from the play Caligula by Albert Camus

Other Stuff

December 2, 1998
Well, what a day. Just for the record, I start my days now that we’ve moved an hour away from my school at five o’clock in the morning. I get up with the alarm, eat, shower, and all that, and leave the house by six. Then we arrive in Killeen at seven. I drop my mom off at the school she works at and then wait an hour before going to school myself since my school doesn’t start until around eight thirty. It’s a wonderful, wonderful thing, I tell you. I can’t believe the amount of traffic at six in the morning, though. That’s really surprising to me. But it’s pretty cool, sure I get tired, but it gives me a lot of time to listen to the radio in the car (which I absolutely love doing) and an hour before and after school where I can talk to my mom. It’s not too bad, and only for another what twelve? eleven and a half? days and then I graduate (hopefully). It’s really sad that I’m still worried about graduating this close to the end. I shouldn’t, I guess. I mean, I have straight A’s… how can they fail me? I don’t see any way. But still I worry. And that’s what this entry is all about.

In first period math today we had a class discussion about what truly scares each of us. It was mostly echoed by the thugs that they’re afraid of death. Woo-hoo. What an original fear. Let me tell you. I don’t fear death. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to die. But I don’t fear the reaper. People die everyday and sooner or later I will be one of them. I’m hoping for later, but we don’t exactly get to choose dates. Other fears mentioned were asking a girl out and fear of heights and on and on. It made me think. What am I truly afraid of?

The thing (if it can be called a thing) I am most afraid of is everything which I cannot control. Now, I’m not a control freak. Or, when it comes to my life and future, maybe I am. Maybe we all are. But I am deathly afraid of putting matters dear to me in other people’s hands. I hate traffic. Not because I’m afraid I’ll screw up, but because I’m afraid of all the other idiots with motor vehicles. I hate school because, although I have control over how well I do on my schoolwork, I do not have control over the entire grade I receive. If I did, I would make straight A’s and have already graduated. Now, that’s an extreme example, but I am certain that, had I (and many others like me) been given the right environment and teachers, we could have excelled beyond all expectations. But that’s a utopian dream, isn’t it?

I know this entry is really quite unorganized, I’m just trying to get used to writing my thoughts here again. Please excuse the mess.

One last thing I wanted to say is a quote I thought up in English today… The greatest barrier to a great mind is indecision.

“My soul’s a burden to me, I’ve had enough of it. I’m eager to be in that country, where the sun kills every question.”Martha, from the play The Misunderstanding by Albert Camus

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