Homesickness

The thing I least look forward to in our impending move is homesickness. I know how much it hurts. I remember. More than the act of leaving, it hurts. That physical pain in your chest – the heavy, exploding (or is it imploding?) weight, as if you’re at the tip-top of a roller coaster’s first crest for a seemingly unendingly. And I know I’ll bawl over it. I do that. I also know that I’ll work through it and, in time, will miss my new home in the same way when I leave it.

I already get that homesick feeling – or at least this feeling of not wanting to feel that way.

I’ll miss my parents and my little bro (though I rarely see him when he’s dating or married) and little sister. There’s plenty of things in and about Austin that I’m ready to leave. Not much to miss, though, especially with the Internet nowadays. I’ll see most of the people I know and like in Austin as often and in the same place I see them now: on Facebook or in email. (I’ll definitely miss the winters even if it does happen to be 25 out today.)

When I think of the things I’ll miss, I can usually think of something that will completely make up for it. Colder longer but lovely summers – maybe even seasons. Rain in the winter (but, annually on average, not even as much as Houston) but I like the rain and I’ve never lived (since a wee child in Idaho anyway) in snow but have tolerated it well – notwithstanding my Raynaud’s syndrome.

Of course, leaving my family – there’s nothing that makes up for lost time that could have been spent with those one loves.

That last sentence made me stop for a while. Pondering. What could be more valuable than that?

I don’t know. Personal growth? Definitely something more than money or prestige, right? I guess I’m asking what you run to if you’re not running from something/where?

There’s definitely something or we wouldn’t all do it. Of course, I suppose this dispersal of family members is a rather recent development in our society. Nonetheless, we do it.

I guess that’s the question homesickness asks. And the answer you get? I suppose that growth I mentioned – new experiences, new people, new person. I guess. I don’t really know yet.

On the other hand, if it doesn’t work out, you can never go home again but you can sure as shit try.

So when you run make sure you run
To something and not away from

Read (and listen to the mix) my friend Leigh Tran’s piece at Illustrated Mixtape. I think it’s rather lovely. She’s the one who introduced me to Death Cab for Cutie back in ’99 or 2000. She started with belle & sebastian, though.

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