What I’m Going Through

[I just want to note that when the word “cheating” is used by me in this post, it refers to my “emotional cheating” and mild romantic contact with (read: kissing) another woman for about two or three weeks. Trust me: No sex, or I’d’ve been tested by now.]
If anyone is wondering what I’m going through, here’s a conversation with a friend that explains it well.
friend: i absolutely love your status. [me: my facebook status currently reads: that I am firm in the knowledge that I know nothing and am a complete idiot.]mine however is so so lame. i am so sad i don’t know what to do with myself. b told me he doesn’t love me anymore today and it crushed me. i can’t stop crying. i am such a baby. it was my decision to break up and then all of a sudden i’m the one heartbroken. this sucks.
Today at 1:31pm
me: welcome to my world. same thing is happening with me and lindsay. she told me last friday that she doesn’t think we can fix it. i’m trying my hardest to get her to work with me on it.
Today at 1:35pm
friend: well why did you cheat in the first place? are you sure you want to be with lindsay? i have been crying so bad, but the truth is that i wanted this. i wasn’t attracted to b anymore. right now i’m just scared of being alone, without him to love me.
Today at 1:40pm
me: because i was stupid and made a horrible mistake. i do want to be with lindsay — i want us to work this out so our relationship is stronger. i’m afraid of being alone, but i’m also (moreso) afraid that i’ve made an irrevocable, life-altering mistake.and even though i started this, i no longer have any control over it.
Today at 1:42pm
friend: can you remember how you felt about lindsay before you cheated or while you were cheating? no remorse remember? you wanted to break up? why is it a mistake?
Today at 1:45pm
me: i know. i was numb. i was indecisive. i thought i knew what i wanted at the time. i was in the same place she is now — except that i sort of forced her into this place — and i’m in the place she was when i started this.i guess my only answer is: i’m human?
Today at 2:07pm
friend: yeah me too. i am fighting off tears. i should probably just let them out and be done with it. not talk to b for a few days. my situation is that i wanted to break up. but when i actually did it, it all happened so fast that the pain was unexpected and almost unbearable. but i wanted this. and i still do. my vision is just a little muffled with the fear of being alone and without his love.
Today at 2:15pm
me:i understand. plus, don’t forget that you’re leaving soon anyway. it wouldn’t have worked out.i’ve been crying and fighting off tears at various times since saturday,i guess. maybe friday.i talked to her a little while ago and we are going to therapy on monday. so that’s something. also just found out that she’s been off her meds for about a week now. she hasn’t had time to pick them up, she says. so maybe that’s where some of this is coming from? (i’m gonna pick them up for her tonight if she doesn’t have time to.)blecghadfas;lkj. i hate this.

Today at 2:56pm
friend: damn i need some meds. alcohol isn’t doing the trick. it’s just making it worse.
Today at 3:00pm
me: yeah. i thought i could go out and drink some of this away. i haven’t tried yet. too depressed to go out. just want to sleep. can’t eat. ugh.
Today at 3:01pm
friend: yeah! i’m so hungry, but i can’t put food in my mouth. isn’t this ridiculous. i mean in the grand scheme of things. why are lindsay and b so important?
Today at 3:05pm
me: well, for me, because i love her. i never stopped loving her. we’ve built a significant life together over the past three years, and i think it’s worth trying to save.and, for you . . . well, i don’t know. but being told by someone that they don’t love you any more can never be easy.
Today at 3:18pm
me: can i post this on my blog without identifying information?
Today at 3:34pm
friend: sure. b says he loves me. he’s just not in love with me. this is exactly what i said to him when i broke up with him.
Back to me, but not in the conversation: It’s the possibility of hearing that last line that scares the hell out of me.

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