fucking tops

Saturday, June 10, 2000
@ home        2236 hrs

A Conversation with Ash

CynLennin (Ash): Scribbledehobble.
GOMEMY (Will): Okay.
CynLennin: Had to buy Finnegans Wake.
GOMEMY: So you said.
CynLennin: I’ve given up on page one.
CynLennin: I’m not sure if it’s genius or insanity.
CynLennin: I’m leaning toward insanity, but I’m no judge.
CynLennin: “To the Sirens first shalt thou come, who bewitch all men…”
GOMEMY: Nice.
CynLennin: the Odyssey
CynLennin: oh, goody! Wax museum. I like those
CynLennin: so, what do you think about Don’t ask don’t tell?
GOMEMY: I “Don’t Think It Should Be An Issue.”
CynLennin: I’d tend to agree with that. I mean, they don’t discharge you for liking S+M withing the bounds of your own home..
CynLennin: or for having a freckle on your pinkie.
GOMEMY: Well… there is the article in the UCMJ basically stating that sex in any position other than the missionary is illegal.
CynLennin: hee…
GOMEMY: Fellatio, etc… all that is illegal.
GOMEMY: And they also have the “Catch-All” article.
CynLennin: ` wow. the miliatary sucks.
CynLennin: it’s a wonder people join at all
GOMEMY: Yeah. Lets put restrictions on people enlisting when we’re already having the worst years ever in recruitment and retention. Sounds like the military to me.
CynLennin: like what they’re doing with nurses here..
GOMEMY: Shit workers always get the fuck kicked out of them.
CynLennin: they’re firing the semi-competant ones, rejecting new ones…
GOMEMY: Doesn’t matter. Like I care what happens to this fucking country.
CynLennin: and complaining there’s no nurses.
CynLennin: this doesn’t feel like my country. I don’t know which one is, but it isn’t here. I suspect I’d feel some greater love.
GOMEMY: I don’t expect to feel anything more.
GOMEMY: I think we all have to hate our home.
GOMEMY: At least I do.
CynLennin: I suspect that’s the feeling you get when you’ve got a country that doesn’t sweep you under the rug.
GOMEMY: I have nothing constructive to add to this place and time.
CynLennin: I’ m afraid I won’t want to come back.
GOMEMY: The most constructive thoughts I think of are the most destructive.
CynLennin: This isn’t my time. I would have liked to have been a Victorian, I think.
CynLennin: I was born in the wrong place at the wrong time. I can’t ever be at ease here.
GOMEMY: I’m becoming resigned to the fact that there may be no such thing as the right time or place for me.
CynLennin: What would it change, being born over a hundred years ago? Not much. Women still aren’t on par. I’m hardly a radical.
GOMEMY: Everything that leaves my mouth, my fingertips is a cliche. Said a hundred times over.
CynLennin: There was some strange stoned out kids book today…”our homes are us- they look like our dreams”
GOMEMY: Everything I read, trying to get a better grasp on it all; everything I experience, to enlighten myself firsthand… it’s all be read and done before… the same conclusions were made by thousands and millions before me.
CynLennin: I know the feeling. I am walking well-trodden ground.
CynLennin: I haven’t written an original line in my entire life.
GOMEMY: It’s scary to think that every thought in my head has been thought before, maybe even better, by thousands of others. Even these right now.
CynLennin: we’re having the sam discussion a million other lost souls are having at this moment.
GOMEMY: How many years does it take to have your first original thought? An entire life for one thought, one action, one reaction, one afterthought, one reflection, one accidental enlightening post-thought?
CynLennin: part of that allows what we say to speak to other people.
CynLennin: I think one must be truely extraordinary.
GOMEMY: Sad, really.
CynLennin: I know I haven’t thought a single thing that someone else hasn’t already.
CynLennin: I pretend I’m people.
CynLennin: that a hundred other people have pretended to be.
GOMEMY: Everyone’s out there raging against the machine, “fighting for freedom”… and all they’re really doing is walking that same rut deeper and deeper into the dirt path.
CynLennin: I feel pointless. I posted shit that any other teen-aged hack could have posted.
CynLennin: What makes it worse is that I’m not going to be teen-aged much longer.
GOMEMY: It’s sad, really.
CynLennin: I’m suprised there aren’t books on how to be original.
GOMEMY: I sit out at coffeeshops listening to people discuss existence and G(g)od and life and the such… and I really have nothing to add.
GOMEMY: Stuff like life-force and massage therapy increasing the flow of electrons through your derma or karma or something…
CynLennin: I’m telling a twice-told tale
GOMEMY: And I sit there feeling that interesting pain of inhaling toxins from the end of cigarettes into my lungs and have absolutely nothing to add.
GOMEMY: Nothing to debate.
CynLennin: I found a lump on my ribs that I hope goes away.
CynLennin: that would just be fucking tops if it didn’t.
CynLennin: I don’t want to live- but I don’t want to die without having done something.
GOMEMY: The biggest fear of our generation: Failure.
CynLennin: it’s so real, though. Failure.
CynLennin: Things we didn’t do.
GOMEMY: God forbid we should all end our lives without having owned a Mercedes, screamed at subordinates, and beat our trophy wives.
CynLennin: I don’t want to do any of those.
CynLennin: I’d like to learn how to ride a bike.
CynLennin: I’d like to finish off this project.
CynLennin: are those big things? Is that greedy?
CynLennin: “I like my spectacles brutal, bloody and degrading”
GOMEMY: I don’t know. That’s my motto. Stick that motherfucker on my headstone: “He didn’t know.”

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