February 3, 1999

February 3, 1999
People change quickly. In small, sometimes unnoticeable ways, people change every day. In just the past few weeks I’ve changed. I’ve stopped worrying about finding that perfect girl. I’ve spent all my time for so long now worrying and wondering about and wishing for that girl who will complete me, complement me, and become the axis my world spins on. Many people supported my search, but the most knowledgeable and caring of them all disagreed. And told me so. They said, as we all know but wish to prove wrong, that you can will never find love if you are consciously searching for it. Like watching a pot of water come to a boil. With these reaffirmations of a truth I had already encountered times before, I began looking into myself and contemplating the reason for my “need” of a girl, a companion. I started with the idea that maybe having someone who needed and loved me and to whom I could hold on would root me to this time and place. Someone who would force me to, instead of looking to the past or future and all places in between, realize and enjoy and live in the present.

Sound enough conclusion, but I had my doubts about its true validity. I sometimes have to question even the things I tell myself. Rational thought cannot be trusted. Emotions and actions only make sense in a superficial way after being rationalized. We must travel deeper into ourselves and look at the action at its base or core. Where all emotion emanates from is where the reason of that emotion can be found. Nowhere else. I have to doubt there’s a scientific solution to it, too. We must, simply, question everything. Including our own thoughts. Are they molded by our environments or do we have the power to think separate from our experiences?

I haven’t mastered the art of self-analyzation yet. And so I haven’t yet come up with a true answer to my initial question. Why do I feel I need a girl to complete my world? I do believe that, in order to be completely fulfilled, we need a companion to fulfill our physical, emotional, intellectual, and other needs. But I also believe that, in order to completely fulfill that other person, we must first know ourselves. And finding the girl that completes me at the age of eighteen would halt my personal, internal growth too early. I feel that I need more time and more experiences and more insight into myself before I give myself completely to the one who deserves the stars of my world.

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