December 12, 1998

You’re a foul one, Mr. Grinch,
You’re a nasty wasty skunk,
Your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk, Mr. Grinch,
The three words that best describe you are, and I quote,
“Stink, stank, stunk”!
Other Stuff

December 12, 1998
I really love the law. Not, The Law, as in the cops, but the law as in the rules and regulations that let keep our nation under control and enable us to bring suit against almost anyone at anytime for anything. And one of the few organizations who make all these lawsuits possible is the American Civil Liberties Union. Last week while watching the student-produced television show we are forced to watch every morning in school, I began to question the legality of their playing songs praising the birth of Jesus at the beginning and end of the program. I mean, I personally was not too offended by it, but there could be some little Jewish or Atheist kid out there in the student body who is horribly offended by Jesus’ birth, in particular, and Christianity, in general. Why would someone be offended by Jesus’ birth you may ask yourself? Who knows? Maybe he pissed off one of their ancestors. Lord knows he should still have to pay for it since I’m still having to pay for my ancestors alleged mistreatment of the black race. And there’s a whole story behind my dislike for black people who think I owe them something that we won’t get into in this entry.

Anyway, I began questioning the legality of many other things my school does in support of Christian groups. Such as the Genesis club that meets afterschool to read and discuss the Bible, the hanging of posters advertising this club reading, “Jesus Lives!” and “Jesus Saves!”, and, of course, prayers led at graduation and other school functions. So to settle all bets in my mind, I went to the ACLU’s website and asked Sybil Liberty.

The first thing I was suprised to learn was about the No Prayer In School Whatsoever Rule. I had always been told that it was okay to pray as long as it was student-led. Nope. Wrong-o. Can’t happen. Hell, they can’t even allow a moment of silence to be held if it’s encouraging prayer. What would Jesus say? Would he donate 35 bucks to become a member of the ACLU? I’m doubting it at this point.

Next I learned that all those Merry Christmas posters you see hanging in schools are, in fact, okay. Because I can’t explain it any better, let me quote from the ACLU site: “Making Christmas stockings, Easter eggs or Hannukah dreidels is probably okay because, over the years, these have become secular customs that people of many different backgrounds enjoy. But a Nativity pageant, which is full of religious meaning, could be considered unconstitutional.” That’s right, boys and girls, hang your stockings, make your dreidels and color your eggs — it’s okay with the ACLU!

Another question I had was about the Gideons. We all know The Gideons. If you’ve ever been to a motel room where the Bible in the desk drawer was marked on the page where God said that stealing towels is a sin, you know the Gideons.   Back in Biloxi when I was younger, I remember the Gideons coming to my classroom and giving every kid a little New Testament lovin’. I never understood why they didn’t include the Old Testament. Maybe they thought the sequel was better in this instance, I don’t know. Of course, I’m sure you know this is completely illegal. So the next time some damn Gideon tries to pawn a Bible off on you, just hold up your drivers license and scream, “Get away from me, you criminal!”

Bible clubs in schools are completely legal as long as they meet three criteria. First, the activity must take place after school hours. My school is okay there as far as I know. Second, no school official is allowed to sponsor or take part in the organizing of the club in any way. Ooops. My school is overstepping its bounds there. I know there are teachers who take part in the club. If only because they like to visualize the girls in Catholic school-girl uniforms. Third, all other such groups must be allowed equal opportunity to use that lovely piece of public property we call high school to conduct their meetings as well. Now, I’ve been contemplating testing my school on this count by asking to organize and use school property for a Satanic Bible study group. I don’t think it’d be a good idea, though, seeing as how I’m supposed to early-graduate next week. Probably really hurt my chances pf passing my finals.

I don’t need religion to become psychotic.

“It doesn’t matter what we know, the body
requires a kind of pain, a longing that
becomes its compass…”

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