I hate these damn New Yorkers who come down to Texas and tell us how uncivilized we are. Damn Yankees. Like today — we have a substitute in math who is from New York. She looks like she’s from New York. Fat, brunette, wrinkled, black leather jacket. What’s the first thing I hear her say? “I hate Texas.” So leave. “And it’s really bad for you kids living in Killeen and Harker Heights — there’s nothing for you to do.” Someone says that when they get their license they can go down to Austin. To which, she replies, “Well, you still can’t drink beer or anything.” Well, fuck me! What a revelation! You mean kids below 21 in New York can drink!? Hot damn! We are uncivilized. Nuke us now.
“In New York we have a summer, fall, winter, and spring; but in Texas there’s only a summer and winter.” So? You got a problem with that? That’s only because New York is a bit slower than the rest of us. It has to drag out the colg weather. The damn cold weather. Personally, I’d rather we not drag out the cold months any longer than we have to. I’d rather jump right into the summer and spend as much time partying and sleeping Mexican-inspired siestas than holing up inside dank, dreary boxes we like to call houses.
She complains about everything that makes Texas Texas. It’s ninety degrees outside on Christmas day? Texas. Last one in the pool has to pick up the leftover wrapping paper! No fat people with Brooklyn accents running around? God truly did bless Texas.
This is why I like the bumper sticker that says, as nicely as possible:
Welcome to Texas — Now Go Home!
Who’d start all the wars?
The world that you’re saving
Will always be yours