September 17, 1998

Throw away the radio suitcase

September is one of those months that you don’t know was here till it’s gone.  Look at it, we’re already halfway through it.  What a great name for a month, too.  September.  

That keeps you awake

I guess we’re all living for something.  Some for a God; others for a variation on the promised afterlife.  I think the most scary thing is when you realize that maybe there’s nothing after this life.  Nothing.  Even Tolstoy contemplated suicide when he realized the lack of meaning life holds if there is no God, no afterlife to work toward.  

Hide the telephone in case you

But what if that’s the wrong way to look at it?  Maybe there is meaning to life, even if there isn’t a God or another life after this one.  Maybe the biggest challenge we face is creating meaning for this seemingly meaningless life.  Of course, everyone’s created meaning would be different, and that’s great.  Just as morals aren’t the same for each person, maybe neither is their visualized meaning of life.  

Realize that sometimes you’re just not okay

And who are we to judge another person’s goals?  Who are we to set our moral standards on another person?  Who are we that we have the power to tell another person what they should or shouldn’t believe?  Who are we?  

You level off but it’s not alright now

Getting back to the September thing.  It’s been a pretty good month for me relationship-wise.  I mean, any month where a girl shows any interest in me is a good month.  First it was Eugenia, the Ukrainian girl, and now Angie, a girl in my Government and English IV classes.  I’ve taken Angie out twice at lunch, on Monday and again yesterday.  She even asked if I’d take her out yesterday.  It was great.  We just drove around, talked.  I told her stories about Biloxi and when Dane came to Killeen.  “Get the hell outta the road!”  

You need to understand

It’s great.  But I feel like shit today.  She didn’t really ignore me, but she didn’t really seem all that interested in me either today.  I was kind of hurt.  When she did try to joke around with me in English, after totally disappearing during lunch, I just kind of gave her a look that said, “Where do I stand?”

There’s nothing strange about this

I’m sure I’m falling into the same trap all teenagers do.  I’m taking this too seriously.  Yesterday, after English, as I was walking to my next class I slowed down.  I wanted to see if she would try to catch up with me.  I watched in the reflection off the library windows, and I thought to myself, “Why am I doing this?”  The answer came without missing a beat, “In case something changes.”  

You need to know your friends

But what?  What will change?  What do I want to change?  I know who my friends are, dammit.  They’re the ones who don’t abandon you because of your beliefs or lack thereof.  They’re the ones who you can leave behind and grow and then go back and everything be just as it was with them when you left.  They’re the ones who understand.

I’ll be waving my hand watching you drown

I hate driving.  But I love driving with the radio on.  That’s the only reason I love driving.  I hate driving.  I will have to live in a city where I won’t have to drive.  A city with good public transportation, bike lanes, etc.  I hate driving. I hate living in my little box, only to get in my little box to drive to school, and sit in a big box with little idiots.  After college, guess what?  You get your own box to live in, then you get to drive to work in a box (if you’re lucky, it’ll be a box made by BMW), and then you get to work in your little cube.  Great way to meet people.

Watching you scream

I always put things off.  Not stuff like schoolwork; not the usual procrastination.  I put important things off.  Like, going to the coffeeshop on a poetry night – a potential people-meeting escapade.  Or, learning to swing dance – another potential people-meeter.  Or, learning to paint.  

Quiet or loud

I think we put too much importance on people and places.  I do, too.  Don’t worry.  Stuff like, “I think my life would be better if I lived in Biloxi or New York City or…”  Or, “I’d be happy if only I lived in Boston.”  You can’t do that.  You’re putting too much of the responsibility of your happiness on a place and a people who don’t even know or care about you.  

Maybe you should sleep

We are responsible for our own happiness.  Grasp it.  Embrace it.  That’s not being selfish.  In this world, everyone’s out for themselves and their own happiness.  Don’t let anyone tell you differently.  Some people achieve their happiness through helping others, some through making tons of money, still others by traveling the world.  

Maybe you just need a friend

Maybe that’s the change I’m looking for.  Maybe that’s what I need.  A friend I can see everyday.  A person I can talk to everyday, and who will listen.  I don’t mean to say that I value Dane’s friendship any less.  I love Dane.  We’ve known each other for years, and as we get older, we’ll need each other to remind us of our past.  Dane’s a great, moral, level-headed, funny guy.  I’m just saying that I guess the change I want is to find someone I can get all these thoughts out to without being judged, a lot like this Webpage does.  I’m sure I’m being judged, but I don’t really know it.  I’m not getting instantaneous reactions to my words via facial expressions or anything.  

As clumsy as you’ve been

I think I’m past that point where solitude becomes unhealthy.  I’m not completely closed off from the world or anything.  I just don’t have the people around me that I can talk to.  And when I find a person that I think might be the kind of person I can relate to and talk to comfortably, well, it just seems like everytime that happens, something goes wrong.  Who do I blame?  Myself?  The other person?  I can’t blame them.  They have their own happiness to think of.  

There’s no-one laughing

Some nights, I’ll be sitting at the computer here and I’ll think about my life.  I’ll think, “You know, I could make this life much more interesting.  I could walk up to Angie tomorrow in Government and say something really nice to her, just to flatter her, or take her flowers.  Just make life interesting.  No matter what her reaction, it’s sure to meet my goal.  And how could her reaction be negative to a guy obviously meaning nothing but good?”  Why I don’t take my own advice?  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m scared.  Maybe I’m too busy watching everyone elses’ life and critiqueing it to manage my own.  Maybe I’m too busy pitying myself.  But for what?  Why would I pity myself?  Because I don’t have a date every Saturday night?  Hey, maybe I don’t have a date because I seem to have a low self-esteem.  I heard girls can pick up on that and tend to stay away when they do.  Maybe it’s just a cycle.  

You will be safe in here

How do you tell a girl you really dig her?  How do you shoot the Devil in the back?  What if you miss?  How do you get it across to a person that it’s not about sex or looks, that it runs deeper?  How do you stop worrying about appearances?  Stop thinking, “What will everyone else think”?  How?  How do you tell a person they’ll be safe in your heart?  

Throw away this very old shoelace

How do you tell a person that maybe it’s not about love, or sex, or anything on those levels.  That it’s something totally different.  On a level by itself.  Friendship?  Maybe.  Understanding?  Maybe.  Connection?  Maybe.  Terminated?  Most likely.  

That tripped you again

I’ve been thinking.  Maybe it’s not the fact that we live where we do or we’re with the person we’re with or whatever.  Maybe it’s not that we’re not satisfied with what we have.  Maybe it’s just that we wonder.  That missed opportunity.  Kicking yourself all weekend because you didn’t ask her out on a date Friday.  Then you ask her out on Monday and it goes well beyond your expectations.  You’re not surprised when nothing big happens Tuesday.  You talk to her, but nothing big – no lunch date or anything.  Then she approaches you about going out to lunch on Wednesday, and you think that maybe she’s using you for free lunches, but you don’t buy lunch – she’s already eaten.  You just go to Albertson’s and joke around about the cigars.  She mentions the flowers, you wonder if maybe you should stop to buy her one, or if it’s too early.  Too early.  You get back to school and you sit with her in your car for nearly twenty minutes just talking.  You go inside and talk some more.  Stop by the Air Force recruiting table that’s been setup for the day, explain to her a little what it’s like on the inside.  Make fun of the different ethnicities together.  Even though she’s Mexican and you’re white.  “Go talk to them.  You can get them to open the gate, you’re white.  They’ll listen to you.”  “We may have power, but we don’t have the power of the majority.  They’re not afraid of us.  We can’t riot.”  Now it’s today, and you’re wondering what changed.  Really?

Try and shrug it off

Really?  What changed?  Was it her?  Or was it you?  I know I’ve changed.  My feelings for her have changed.  I like her more.  

It’s only skin now

Maybe you’ve realized your happiness and she hasn’t her’s.  Maybe you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.  

You need to understand

Maybe I’ve realized the meaning of my life.  What will make me happy.  It’s not in other people, or another place.  It’s within me.  It’s the ability to fall in love.  To hurt for a person.  Sometimes you miss depression.  Maybe I like the dream.  Why live the dream when you can just dream it?  Why indeed.  I shall live the dream.  I shall make my life interesting.  Maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe my happiness can be found in other people.  Maybe I want to make other’s happy.  Maybe you sometimes have to smash a person’s hope before you can truly make them happy.  Maybe that’s what she’s doing to me.  Maybe.

There’s nothing fake about this

Maybe there is.  Maybe I’m just trying to get a point across and at the same time try to tie it all together and failing horribly at both.  Maybe not.  Maybe there is no truth.  Maybe others are right, it’s all in your perception.  

You need to let me in

Give me a chance?  Throw away the ratty old suitcase, keeps you away… and realize that sometimes it’s okay to live alone, live alone… you need to know your friends…  I’ll be waving my hand watching you drown… maybe you just need a friend… try to shrug it off, shrug it off, shrug it off, so damn scared now… you need to let me in…

I’m watching you

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