August 9, 1998

I know I haven’t updated in a while… I’ve been in Dallas for the last two weeks earning the easiest $200 I’ve ever earned in my life.  Not counting birthdays, I guess.  Anyway… I did think about you while I was gone and here’s a few things I wrote while there:

August 2, 1998… I don’t have a fax number.  I don’t have a cellular phone. I don’t have a beeper.  And, you know what?  It doesn’t bother me all that much.  I don’t need to flaunt my importance by wearing a pager on my belt where everyone can see it.  As if at any time I may be interrupted by it to make an important decision that will affect small third world countries in Africa.  I don’t need that.  As one great person once said, all I know, is that I know nothing.  That’s one statemtn I can truly identify with.  No matter how much I pretend or wish I knew about something I know that in the scheme of things, or even compared to another person, I know nothing.  There will always be someone who knows more than I.  This doesn’t mean I plan to give up on education.  No.  We must still strive to learn all we can.  That’s what makes life worth living.  I know I have much to learn.  Intellectually, emotionally, physically, etc.  There’s not enough time.  As John Travolta said in the movie Micheal, “You can never get enough Earth,” and, “I’m going to miss it all so much.”  I agree.  I’ve only begun my life, but I know it can be taken away at any time.  Especially the way people drive around here.  And I already know that I won’t experience all that I want to or should.  Furthermore, I feel as though I’m wasting valuable time by not being “out there” and doing “productive” things everyday.  I don’t want to work in an office.  I don’t want to become trapped in this materialistic, money-driven/hungry, society.  I want to live and be free.  There are so many beautiful things in life and I think all of us, including the most spiritual among us, are missing too many things by focusing on the future and the “will be’s” and money and careers.  We should just sit back and “listen to the Earth” for a while.  In the many ways that can be done.

Here’s a dream I had while in Dallas on August 1, 1998… Last night I had a dream I was in a war.  Vietnam, I think, although the enemy was never clearly defined in the dream.  While in-country, I felt whole.  A friend was there with me.  We were very good friends.  The dream jumped from me being in-country to being back home going to school, etc.  I felt so different from my classmates, so out of place as we walked down the street after school.  I yearned to be back in the war where I belonged.  Anyway, time passed and I fell in love with a girl and she became pregnant with my baby. Somehow we both ended up back in the war.  We trekked through along a jungle path together.  The entire time she was whining.  But I felt confident, alive, in the place I was supposed to be.  Meant to be.  When my fiance and I finally arrived at basecamp, I found my old friend from earlier in the dream still there.  We agreed that we bother felt like we belonged in the war.  It felt right.  Soon afterward, during a firefight, my friend was killed.  As I crouched behind a rock to hide from enemy fire, my mind quickly began thinking about my fiance and out unborn child.  I didn’t want to die.  I didn’t want to miss them.  I told this to two soldiers who were hiding near me.  I thought to myself that my year tour was up, why was I still here!? Why was I still being forced to fight!?  I was in love.  Love had cured my lust for war.

Freud would probably have a field day with that one.  

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